Hi, my name is Tammy. I'm an over-sharer, a hopeless romantic, a die-hard optimist, a freaky new-age hippie (and proud of it), and a genuine, certified, emotional hot mess. I'm gullible, a bit ditzy, aggravatingly indecisive, and plagued from time to time by old insecurities and doubts. Nice to meet you!
I'm really not being self-deprecating--honest! On the
contrary, I can actually embrace my humanity now in all its flawed perfection. Just as there
is a "shadow" side to each of us, so is there a "light" side. It is this
very contrast of light and dark, positive and negative, yin and yang
that creates balance in our lives; understanding in our minds; patience, tolerance, and forgiveness in our hearts; and desires and dreams in our souls.
That being said, I must be completely honest with you here...I have been very, very hard on myself lately. No, let me rephrase that--I have been downright mean and nasty to myself lately. We're talking full-on bullying. You might be thinking, "Come on, seriously?" Yes, seriously.
Ever since my path in life took me away from the "secure" life that I was living, the job that I loved so very much, and so many of my dearest family and friends...and then dumped me (rather unceremoniously, I might add) on this tiny, remote island, I have worked hard to be the best caretaker and cheerleader that I can possibly be for my hard-working, dream-chasing husband and my delightfully (and thankfully!) flexible, care-free daughter. I've stepped outside my comfort zone, put myself out there, and made myself vulnerable. Yay, me!
And I've also been consistently chucking myself under the bus.
Wait...what?...Yep, you read that right...I've been letting the bus run right over me--and then back up and run over me again. Lots of good 'ole self-sabotage, worry, anxiety, fear, and doubt. Old, negative patterns of thought and behavior have been lurking around corners and popping up unannounced and unwelcome. The old me would simply watch as I spiraled helplessly down, down, down in a whirlpool of despair. In fact, the old me would probably find some way to HELP wash me down the pipes, while simultaneously crying about the unfairness of it all.
Luckily, I'm not that person anymore. There's a big difference, you see, between the old me and the me of today. So what's new, you ask? The realization of four simple words, really: I am good enough. I've walked over hot coals and come out on the other side a much stronger, better, wiser, and more compassionate version of me. Don't get me wrong--I am by no means perfect, and my dark side is still there...oh, is it ever still there! But it's what I do with my dark side that counts. I don't have to be a prisoner to negative thoughts and self-talk anymore. No longer am I limited by self-defeating patterns of behavior that were designed solely to prove to myself and others that I was worthless and undeserving.
A palm reader once told me (I did mention that I'm a freaky new-age hippie, right?) that my biggest lesson in this life is to learn how to love and be loved in return. Piece of cake, right? Well, if you think so, then kudos to you, my friend, for you have reached an enviable level of enlightenment. Over the years, my life has taken me on some crazy, twisty, sad, giddily happy, and unexpected paths. For much of that time, I painfully bumped and crashed my way through it, always trying to manipulate people and circumstances to fit my "plans"...and then stumbling blindly whenever they fell through (which they invariably did).
Blessedly, I finally figured out that life is sooo much easier when we just go with the flow...and then everything clicked. Man, oh man, did that palm reader ever hit the nail right on the head! Learning how to love myself, how to love other people, and how to let other people love me has been a consistent theme throughout my life, and it's a lesson that I'm still learning, though the journey is much sweeter now. Today, my heart overflows with gratitude for all the many kinds of love in my life.
Remember when I said that I've been pretty mean to myself lately? Well, luckily, it didn't take long for me to remember that I actually do love myself. Sometimes, we can be our own worst enemies. Really! We convince ourselves that we don't matter...that we have nothing to offer...that we are simply too crazy for anyone to love. Listen up, because this is very important...none of that is true. Yes, I admit that I'm pretty wacky, but I'll tell you a secret...that is one of the things that I can love most about myself now. After all, there is only one me...and there is only one you...and the world would not be the same without us. Period.
Today, I know that to love myself means that I honor and respect myself. Today, I know that to love myself means that I am true to who I really am. To love myself means that I give myself permission to find my own voice and to speak my own truth. To love myself means that I own my own power, as well as my own joy. When we love ourselves, we can, in turn, love others more deeply and fully, and the rewards are many.
I truly believe that people cross our paths for a reason. No matter how long or how fleeting the encounter, each and every person we come in contact with is important. Go ahead--let down your defenses, break down your walls, let others see the real you...and let them love you. First and foremost, though, love yourself. Know that you have so much to offer, and never doubt that, when you aim true and be the best you that you can be, you'll never go wrong.
In the short time that I've lived on this island, I have been faced with fear, loneliness, uncertainty, and lots of insecurities. But I have also been presented with countless opportunities to grow, live, love, and be loved. I've made some royal blunders, but I've also made some major breakthroughs, and I'm grateful for the growth that will come from both. A very wise mentor in my life once gave me a simple mantra to live by, and it is one that has never failed me..."relax, and allow..." "Relax"...life is beautiful. "Allow"...allow you to be you and others to be them. Do this, and love will always follow.
To my family--you hold my heart, and I cherish each and every moment with you; thank you for loving me for who I truly am. To the friends who have been here for me through the years--thank you from the bottom of my heart...I can only hope that I have blessed your lives in return. And to the new friends I have made on this island--you know who you are--you are one of a kind...a special gift from the Universe, sent to share this special journey with me. We're in this together. Thank you for opening your hearts and your homes to me and my family, thank you for sharing who you really are with me, and thank you for accepting and loving me--flaws and all.
As I was writing this piece, I was inspired by a quote that appeared on a page of my journal, and I'd like to share it with you all now:
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world."--Buddha
Choose thoughts that feel good, and always, ALWAYS, choose love.
Peace and love, my friends.
Tammy
